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Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

I wanna wish you a merry christmas

I wanna wish you a merry christmas,

From the bottom of my heart!

( this is sealed with a kiss!)


Even though i am sending this christmas message right from my desk top at work, it is a sincere wish from my heart to you......


YOU

- that just " surf " thru my blog

- that took time to read but don't comment

- that reads and comment


- my Blogville family


- @ work that found this blog whether thru peeping or jazz (lol!)

- B, not sure if you are reading this, but i miss you so much . my sister in crime lol! (@ work )

- T, i am sorry about everything , but know that you have a special place in my heart and i'll miss you

-K, my editor in chief , boss and paddy for jungle! Enjoy your vacation,christmas and new year holiday!

-to all my fans; home and away! lol .....One love!


Enjoy your holiday and please DRINK RESPONSIBLY (i never join any NGO ..... no mind me ok? lol)





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8 Weird things about ME

1) I can talk on the phone with you for the next 2 years but when we hook up one on one, i can hardly converse up to 15mins !

2) I dont eat YAM outside my house cos I can't eat it without mashing it up with my fork and then eating as if i aint got teeth! Same goes for potatoes...boiled, fried, baked ,sundried any form you give me i mash them up!

3) I am a proper Yoruba breed but i CANNOT pray in my local dialect....Yoruba. i guess this is weird! I only pray in English oo and omo Yoruba proper ni mi! God save me. lol!

4) Dont know if this is wierd or not, but i dont know how to keep a clean wardrobe. If i take time out to sort and arrange clothes and shoes, i get scared to take any clothe / shoe because i trust i will scatter the whole thing before you say Jack! lol!

5) I dont know how to think or reflect on issues because nothing gets to me. I force myself most times to pretend that i am thinking about an issue so that people will not think i am a "winch".....lol!

6) i forget things easily .... I know this is very wierd and i am praying about it,I dont remember people's names or faces. i can't recall stuffs that happened last year but i can try on ten year old gist! lol! Do you know that i cannot remember my classmates University? I met a secondary school classmate at a wedding in sometimes ago and the way i responded to her was bad. I think i embarrased her.It is really bad as i saved her name as school mate on my phone. (as i didnt want to ask her for her name,lol!) Also saw a sista we joined my bank together and i couldnt place her face. ( saw her this year just after 5 years o )


7)i have only fought once in my life time and it was with my brother! Guess i am "ole" (lazy) ? brother and i. i no dey fight ooo Omo jeje ni mi ! lol


8) I have plenty male friend but i have not succeeded in keeping any as hubby! wierd innit?

9) for the extras...... I don't know nada about my menstral cycle. i have tried so many times to understand what its all about and how to monitor the d*** thing, but i have never succeeded, not even once. I can put Sanitary towel in my bag for 2 weeks all becos i dont know when g-red will come.weird abi?



I dont know who to tag again but once you read this post ( even without commenting) then you are tagged! lol



Enjoy your Christmas



Peace Out !( i am turning to a nigga abi? lol)


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

For Your Time

hello all

Sorry i have not posted on my blog for a while as they say in yoruba, "this hill did not allow me to see that hill" lol. 30+ too don harrass me small make i update. Sista i don update o (next time i go look for different memes come use am update. lol)

I was ill a while ago and for the first time since i learnt to spell my name (lol) i went to the hospital for check up or rather general-body-refurbishment (lol). So i met this doctor sha (not too stunning but ok), after asking the regular questions , symptoms, when did you notice this illness?, are u coughing?, is my body temperature normal?, do i have two heads? lol

The doc told yours truly to lie down on the examination table and the next thing he asked me to remove my clothes(just my shirt sha. As i be JJC (Johnny-just-come) for hospital, i dutifully agreed and he started using stethoscope to touch me i mean chest( i be woman now so i no get chest...lol), stomach on top Malaria! what the @@@@**!

My peeps, e gba mi o (save me) na so them dey determine the level, degree or density of malaria person has? lol. I don vouch say i no go fall sick again if na the way docs dey treat malaria abi i dey too paranoid?

Come to think of it.... wouldnt it be fun if i am a doctor? not Vet doctor but for HUMANS! lol!

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For the post of the day......someone sent me this Story.......... Sit back, relax and enjoy (with groundnut, cookies,kokoro or walnuts lol)

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over "his side of the fence" as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture.... Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box?” Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack Thanks for your time!
Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most...was...my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"



Learn to appreciate people around you for the time and attention they have devoted to you

I’m grateful for the time we’ve had as buddies in blogville.

I need you to know that I value those moments we've shared together so far

Just U & I

"Thank you for your time"!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 22

I was tagged by 30+ and allied....

Where do I start? Hmmmmm ok I will start from the very beginning and of course starting with a song.


You are worthy to be glorified
You are worthy oh –oh Lord
You are worthy to be glorified
You are worthy Lord.


I join the Host of heaven and my fellow bloggers to say THANK YOU LORD. Lord, I worship you because you are good; you are wiser than the Wisest, Greater than the greatest. You are beautiful beyond description my God that seats on the heaven and makes the earth his footstool!

My father I praise you, I worship and adore you because you have been everything to me, You have been my shield and rock, my support, my defender. You have given me a reason to smile

Thank you for my salvation, thank you for the mercy you made available onto me when you decided to “adopt” me as your baby. Thank you for my greatest friend the Holy Spirit that you blessed me with.

Thank you oh Lord because I’m not good enough but you still love me. You’ve been faithful to me even when I have been faithless. You’ve always been there even on those days I was not available

Thank you for the gift of Life. Many wish to be alive today but they are no more. Its not because I’ve been faithful nether is it that i am better off than the others but your mercy has been available unto me.

Daddy, I thank you for my family (biological and blogville.)

Thank you for my brother’s new job I am much grateful. Thank you for mine too thanks you because you are moving me higher this year.

Thank you for my future, thank you because my life is in your hands.

Thank you for favor and Grace you have shown me every single day for the past 28 years.

Thank you for preserving me till today (Most grateful for the incident that happened when I was 9 as i would have died in a wardrobe)


Thank you for growth and expansion; spiritual, physical, financial etc

Thank you daddy because everything I am today is just YOU. Thank you for been the centre of my world. Thank you for been good to me in every circumstances and situation

Thank you because those low moments in my life are your plans to lift me up.

Thank you lord for making “lines to fall unto me in perfect places and giving a good inheritance.” Thank you Daddy because there has been and there will always be Life in my pathway.


Thank you for making my life beautiful again. Thank you Daddy for giving me a reason to live. I am most grateful to you for being my Emmanuel.


Olorun mi to da aye ati orun,
Oba nla to so ile aye ro.
Gbani gbani lojo iku.
Oba to pa Ojo Iku da,
Kabi o si Eledumare.
Alagbada Ina
Alawo tele orun
Olowogbogboro tin yo omo e kuro ninu ofin
Oba lana loni ati titi aye.
Arugbo Ojo,Eleti gbaroye.
Gbongbo Idile Jesse
Kiniun eya Judah
Oba to tele bi aso to fi imole se aso ibora.
Eleru niyin.
Aribiti rabata eni nla ti ko se pa.
Erujeje Oko Pharaoh.
Awimayehun ,Alewi lese Alese lewi


If not for you where would I have been! I am so thankful.

Thank you Lord.

I tag everybody.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Children of Now-a-days!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Attached is one of my favorite stress reliever. Hope you will like it. CAN'T JUST DELETE IT FROM MY MAIL BOX.(i am getting naughtier each day...lol)
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This is a serious issue ooo!

I was gisting with my niece and nephew today and I heard the BIG one.

Background check: my niece came home with a gift bag from school, her classmate was celebrating his birthday blah blah , I sha rummaged thru the bag and discovered a lot of things so I wondered aloud who the celebrant was and how the parents must have been very rich to provide all those stuffs.

Sha, the following discussion ensued:

Nephew (6 years Old): The celebrant is A and he is my sister’s husband.

Yours truly: (surprised look with mouth wide open)

Niece (3 years old): giggling (as if she was offered a chewing gum cos that’s her favorite)…Naahhhhh

Nephew: Yes or is A not your husband again?

Niece: No…ehmmm… Yes …. (Smiling )

By this time I couldn’t help myself again but I needed to pretend so that I can hear more gists.

Nephew: You remember the day she did not go to school? A came to my class to ask after her (A da bloke too is 3 years old…. E gbami lowo awon omo yii !).

Nephew: they come to Club meetings together (Red Cross)

Yours Truly: silently cursing their teacher for not putting A in Boys Scout and my niece in Brownie)

All the while this conversation was on, my niece was smiling sheepishly covering her eyes with her hands obviously getting embarrassed.

Niece: My mummy said I will do my birthday again this November,(she was born in April) and I told A I will give him plenty gift.

Yours Truly: Can it be that A packed my neice’s gift bag special for her? (I am really getting agitated)

Nephew: hmmmm, Mummy says your birthday is once a year and you celebrated it sometimes back

Niece: A says I should do Barbie cake again!

And she bounced off.


I sat down for a few minutes trying to get myself together. Men! what is this world turning into? At age 3 I knew nada! My knowledge and awareness of that was level -5 not even 0. I probably still bed wet then.lol!

Infact, if a boy writes us love letter then (I grew up in the letter-writing era….lol) we will read with our friends then the bold ones amongst us copy it on the board for the others to digest and enjoy.

Where are these kids getting these guts and boldness (which some of us could not exhibit till we got to college) from? Men I don old no be small thing ….lol!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My nephew wanted to show his mum how good his French was;

Nephew: Mummy, Mummy I can greet you in French (excitedly)

Mummy: Ok, please do

Nephew: Johnbull Mademoiselle!(with courtesy and all seriousness)

I started laughing so hard (with tears in my eyes) cos I knew that was a goof. He started crying, guess he was embarrassed. Sha gathered my self together and corrected him (Bonjour Mademoiselle).

Wetin I no go see with these children?

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Afters…

Had a poll up on my blog sometimes ago, I needed to find out if I was normal or not. Yours truly, gbadun talking on the phone more than meeting people one on one. It is something that is just part of me. I sometimes initiates meeting but I always end up feeling awkward most of the time though. Am I ok?

Someone complained about it and then I wanted to find out if it was only me and thanks to all my peeps who voted… now I know I am not alone.

Enjoy!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Fantasies!

Hello peeps

I have been trying to write somin down since last week but mennnnn,the traffic at work has been crazy. Its like my enemies want to gather together and remove me from blogville but Holy Ghost will not allow them. Can I hear an Amen?... lol! I mean, it's so bad that once I get home like 11pm (I am not doing shift its Nigerian factor sha , when my working hours should have been 9-5;) I rush to bed as if I am trying to keep an appointment and I can hardly open the PC to drop a message here, there or stalk my favorites bloggers!

Lawd have mercy!

Shakira is almost the most popular person on earth now o, went to the market on Saturday morning and I saw 5 kids all wearing pants and guess what they were doing ? Singing 'hips don't lie' Oh my God! Come and hear me-rix because it is definitely not re-mixed. Ti Shakira ba gbo orin yen men, she will be confused! You need to listen to the me-rix o, it was bloody…lol!

Before I deviate from today's main gist, My niece and nephew made me watch Barney and Friends the other day and somin struck a cord. You see It is compulsory for their favorite aunty to watch all those cartoons with them ; Power Puff Girls, ed, edd and eddie, Samorai Jack, Balamory , Code Name; Kids Next Door,etc all those scruffy looking characters o.Come to think of it ,where is Voltron Force fine boy? Where is fluffy Superted? Or better still breath taking Aladdin abi na Tarzan in the jungle- the hunk? Infact, I can say I watch cartoon more than I see normal movies, courtesy of my people.

Sha there was this song Barney sang and it goes like this;

'What I wanna be? ………When I grow up to be Big ME'

The song took me down memory lane of what I wanted to be and I discovered that what I am today is entirely different from what I had in mind.

Let me start from the very beginning…………………………

Yours truly started reading Mills & Boons so early in life. My elder sister use to read it as if her life depends on it. So whenever she comes home, I steal the book and read in the toilet for fear of being caught in the act. Then I fantasize that I will be like one of the heroine when I grow up. That I will just meet a guy who will 'drive' up to me and tell me I have the most beautiful blue dreamy eyes , fall in love and live happily ever after. I wonder why all that never happened. i mean, if a car packs beside me now, the first thought that comes to my head is "this is a ritual killer, dem wan use me do otumokpo(jazz)! Lol .I dreamt all day that I will publish my story too of how my knight in shinny armor rescued me from a trouble then carried me away to the 7 th heaven where there is no mention of work, traffic, stress children etc. but here I am and all those M & B stuff has never happened to me!

Why oh Why oohhhhh Why? Lol!

I grew up in a G.R.A where the motto is every man to his tent. But there is woman that trips me in our neighborhood. She used to drive a black Peugeot 504 then and she smokes. I mean I just get excited whenever she drives through my street with cigarette in her mouth and I made up my mind to be like her. I mean drive a black Peugeot 504 and smoke too so that people can feel my effect on my street. I tried the smoking once sha but no be with real cigar o I used mat and nylon! I still have a scar on my leg as the nylon melted and dripped on my leg and I never tried it again!...lol ! But how will you feel if I come to your house in a Peugeot 504 in this day and age? I am sure you will give me the boots. Who wants to befriend an old school?

I had planned also that when I grow up I will date a Capo in school…lol! Don't know where the thoughts came from sha! Weird se? Not just a cult boy o but the leader of the cult group… the capo de tuti himself! I wanted people to fear and respect me. Mere mentioning of yours truly's name should send shivers down people's spine. What the heck was I thinking? Lol .I am sure it was too much M & Bs and James Hadley Chase books o but here I am, never knew a Capo not to talk of dating one.

The only way I could have achieved the feat above was to be a cult member myself. I wanted to be the head of the female cult group so that I can date the leader of the male cult group and we will both form the formidable team? I don kolo for real o...lol! Lady Yours truly, and every one will run for cover in fear when I am around ….. Here I am totally in a different direction from my absurd dream!

Saw this video over the weekend and i need to share with you. You know that not everyone that walks on the street is normal so when you are wearing those tank tops and minis, Remember this lunatic!

Enjoy!



NVL-PG required! lol





video

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My Series of Firsts!

What’s good ? cool I guess.

Today is for first time of almost everything in my life. Guess the list is inexhuastive as I am still breathing and there will definitely be more of that as I tread along planet earth (or Pluto...laughs!)

Ok quick background check of my self. I grew up very fast, I mean by age 9 I had almost all the features of being a young woman and was almost an adolescent. I was bigger than my brother, who was 2 years older than I and growing up was pretty fast for yours truly.

The first time I wore a bra , I was 8 yrs 5 months (pretty fast se, I was in primary school?) and they weren’t the size of lime fruit ooo, my boobs were big . You remember those days that girlsjust wear their school uniforms over their panties and or the big girls wears ‘vest’ or ‘singlets’ (or shimi).Yours truly was already a proud owner of strapless bras(they were not padded ones….lol). The funny thing was that I couldn’t even remember the make of those bras guess because I was very young.
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The first time I saw grandmother red………. I was 9 years old . You see I am the last born of my family and I was a sort of tomboy. All my friends were guys and I climb trees a lot. It was during the holidays and I was on the tree as usual with my buddies when I felt wetness in my pants. I went to check it out and when I saw blood I called my buddies for an inspection and diagnosis. They all ran away thinking I had wounded my self during the tree climbing process. I cried home and met my brother(boys they say will always be boys) who organized a sanitary towel for me and I went back to my buddies with the full gist of what happened and everyone of us checked my panties every 30minutes for new stuff(crazy se?lawl!!!!!!!!!!!!). My mum was in the UK then and when she was told that her baby had started seeing her monthly stuff she called me for a training session on the phone……don’t touch boys, cut off the relationship with all your buddies blah blah blah. Trust yours truly now, I relayed every message to my peeps and concluded it with if any of them smile at me na belle ooo….lol.The funny part was that i never knew how to monitor my cycle all because I was very young. Was later taken to the hospital cos my parents were not comfortable with the age thing and the doctor said I will start my menopause early ( so I should be encouraged to must marry early!) but here I am 19 years after still single like letter I but mumsy reminds me whenever she has the opportunity (lol).
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My first day in secondary school, I cried all day as I was a big baby ( and that was the trend thru out my first term). My classmate felt I was very old as they were still in their pants whereas your truly was a bra wearing J.S.S 1 student ….. funny oo . How many people will I tell that I was just going to be 10 years old? I was the last student on my class roll during the assembly cos I was bigggggggggg. The thought of this embarrassment almost made me to stop school oo (that was deinately a pretty joke because of Mumsy
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The first time I bought some set of pants for my self was awesome and unforgettable. You see my mum used to buy pants for me o and she buys boxers (lol!) You know those kinds of pants that start from the stomach and ends around your thighs….lol. She says a lady's pants must cover all. So the first time I bought one for my self ...........hmmmmm,it was a g-string/thong (laughs!) in defiance to my mum. The first time I wore it I was looking all around me because I felt naked thot every one saw my butts (after wearing boxer for almost 20years…what else would you expect?) I just wish you can see the look on my mother’s face anytime she sees me wears those gees (lol) ..but as 2face sang; ’ as you see me so I NO SEND U ooo’ any more. Laughs!
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The first time I made ‘Amala’….. I still have the scars on my leg . Men it was horrible I poured the whole mixture on my legs while trying to turn it .Funny now when I think of it but aint funny then because I cried so much.
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The first time I was robbed (will definitely be the last time in Jesus name, even the thot alone makes me shudder!). The gang leader asked me for my bag and my gullible self tried to look up at him to explain that another fella had it. Mennnnnn the guy landed me a slap between my right eye and cheekbone (I guess the guy wore a ring or somin) because ordinary slap shouldn’t be as destructive as that (lol). I saw the popular stars that we see in cartoons and I couldn’ t see with the eye for a week. I mean if ordinary light rays reflects near the eye, head ache will start immediately. It was a terrible experience.
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The first time I boarded a plane? It was terrifying, just 45mins but my eardrum was practically blocked for the whole journey. But I survived and I am used to it now.Train nko? Spent three days from Ibadan to Abeokuta (a 45mins trip on a normal day). I had fun sha but the memory was a bit blurred as I was rather small.
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The first time on a pedestrian bridge, I was just reciting our Lord’s prayers till I crossed over. Still scared of the stuff till now. My style is to stare ahead and not look down before I go summersault inside express road.
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The first time grandmother red refused to show face….. my mama hala no be small. Na me carry my mouth go tell say I no see my visitor ooo .I knew say I no get belle as I had heeded her advice to run away from boys. She ranted and screamed murder, fire and brimstone then concluded that we were going to see the doctor the following day. I think the shout forced grandma to show face that same day ooo (im dey too fear my mama abi…lol!)
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My first day at work, I woke up by 3am after a sleepless nite, sha managed to roll on the bed till 6am then I wore my clothes ( over dressed oo) and resumed to the office only to see people whispering about me. It was later that I was told that I dressed like an undergraduate having been selecting and re-selecting the clothes 2 weeks before resumption.
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The first time I went to a nite party was hilarious. I went with my gurls and we came back to the hostel around 3am and we had to ‘scale’ the fence. Everyone climbed without an itch but na yours truly scatter everything. As I tried to jump through, my skirt caught the iron whatever on the fence and my hand slipped. Next thing na gbosa I hear for ground , I screamed and my hostel matron heard the noise. I had to manage to climb thru fast before she catches me as she would have reported me to my mum (them be close paddy). The following day she called a meeting and started sparking face, blah blah blah and that why can’t any of the girls be like me( can you imagine!) who is a quiet girl and always avoiding trouble. If looks could kill I wouldn’t have been alive today as those girls were just eyeing me.
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The first time I kissed……I opened my mouth wide as if i was the predator trying to eat up my prey. But I am much better now (definitely at my age and size now ….lol). Abi you want proof?
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My first crush…. The boy was feeling me too (or so I thot) but we were too young to do any thing about it. He is just too fine( I mean after so many years I now heard he has 4 kids by 4 different women who are all older than him ……I no lie oo) I always walk tall and proud that the most handsome boy in school could feel me. Do you know we never dated? It is now that I realized that maybe all he felt for me was pity for falling for him …………..lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gotta run.

Enjoy!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Random thots

Hiya!

I travelled to the eastern part of naija some weeks back for a friend's wedding and i decided to go by road partly because yours truly was broke and also because i don't bloody know anywhere in naija.( travelling by air doesn't help matters). Sha i boarded the car (was scared of those luxury buses) and the woman beside me led us to pray and could you believe that we did the prayer session for 90minutes ( i mean one and a half hours!) i had joined in the prayers initially as i was afraid of winch people too but at a point i started getting distracted and i didn't want to show it before it will turn to a deliverance session for me. Most of the prayers were like this ; "Father, konqual (conquer) every evil on the way, on the driver, every other passenger in Jesus name" Don't get me wrong, its good to pray infact i am a God-fearng person but praying for 90mins out of the 360minutes of the journey wetin remain? lol!

A client came to the office the other day ( you know all these pretty boxed up mallams, well educated and handsome? hmmm exactly the picture in your head) sha i learnt he drove in with the latest Toyota Avalon and my security man whispered to me in heavly accented yoruba; 'anti, inu oko yen dabi parlour ni oo' ( aunty, the car interior looks as if it is a proper living room with settee) i laughed and commented to the customer about his car, guess his response? .................... dear, let me come and pick you on sunday to show you the interiors! Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, when the car is outside my office premises and i can see it just by peeping through the window,why wait till sunday ? will i be able to take it home afterwards? My people, please search me o.

Who can help me log on to http://www.mnetafrica.com/ and play the deal or no deal game show for me? i need the 100,000usd fast we will share the money 60-40. fair enough?

I need someone to help me tell multichoice to do this channel shuffle thing during the day time in naija, cos i took time to watch the action plan over the weekend and i learnt that it will take place on 4th October 2007 by 2am naija time and also the decoder must be powered on for the download to be successful. Iam sure they have forgotten the naija factor! PHCN/NEPA. Any thing can and will happen on that day,i am so sure of it(can bet my October salary on it self). I suggest it is done during the daytime here so that we can use our generators ooo and assist them to help us do the shuffle. abi what do you feel?

How come my stomach is not as flat as a dining table? I urgently need a flat tommy (please) don't give the me the exercise story, I lack the zeal and zest for continuity.( You get what i mean ? )

The above reminded me of a pill i read online and i ordered for . Actually i wanted to slim down without exercising or cutting back my chocolate and ice cream intake. sha i got the pill and it was as big as a Size AA battery(1.5volts) and on the container was the inscription;

Recommended for people that wants to slim down but don't want to cut down their food intake
in other words it was for 'alajenus' (gluttons.....lol)

sha, the dosage was 2 tablets (can i call it tablets?) by 11am then another 2 by 3pm daily for the next 60days. (dem wan kill person? swallowing like 4 battries daily can send one to a coma now...........laughs) but becos i had plans i used the drug judiciously for the first 2 weeks of purchase and stopped after that.

The reason why i stopped? hmmmm long story o. i am not a breakfast person normally just take coffee in the morning and i take doughnut and soda in the afternoon (not ordinary doughnuts ooo, the one with chocolate toppings or heavily laced with jam......no abuse me at all can't help myself) but sha i noticed that anytime i take these 'batteries' i must eat in the morning i mean food not snack and i am always starving by afternoon and by the end of the 2 weeks i added like 4kg instead of going down.

I am sure the drug was made by jokers and for other jokers for a big loud joke . It was really crazy.

But if you want to slim down i still have 2 new bottles of these batteries for your consumption.Let me know if you are interested because i will also pay for the shipping (what are friends for ? lol)

Fellow naija people, Happy Independence, please pop champagne and click glasses to celebrate. 47 years no be joke
Enjoy

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Help a Sister

hmmmmmm i need help oooo

Serious one infact this post is with high priority!

I need lectures on how to be more romantic. (Did I hear u laugh?) This is not a joke ooo. It’s a matter of life and death.

I think I am too stiff; I don't relax and don't bloody know how to have fun.

I need to know how to organize a romantic dinner for two under the candle light (without fear of hot wax dripping on my head and making me bald.) You know all those dinner stuff with candles everywhere as if person wan do breakthrough prayers for cele church?

I need to know how to stroll on the beach with my boo without the fear of Atlantic Ocean sweeping me away (I can't even float not to talk of swim). I need to know how to be in a boat ride without squeezing my face in terror because of all evil thots of drowning going thru my head and whispering the psalm 91.

I need to know how to seat on an astro wheel and clinging to my boo instead of holding on to the railings (as if my life depends on it) with a high pitch scream filled with fear.

I need to know how to sing love song and dance all night like they do in Indian films (remember Dharmendra ) or my Igbo brothers in Home muvee.

I need to know if i should send flowers or chocolate (abi na cigar?) to him? i am a big joker right? laughs!

I need to know how to look into my boo’s eyes all day whispering sweet nothing without blinking or thinking in my heart what the f**k am I doing here, checking my wrist watch to confirm how many minutes we’ve spent idle or wondering if my baby will think I am doing drugs as my eye color signifies that.

I need to know how to organize surprise dinner (breakfast and lunch is out of the question except i wan loose my job!) for my baby without checking my account balance or using my mental calculator to have an idea of how much I am left with by EOM (End of Month).

I need to know how to order gifts for my baby on a normal day even when it is not Christmas, his birthday, our anniversary or Easter.( i am a mixed breed and ijebu blood seem the most prominent.....haha haha)

I need to know how to end every telephone conversation with ‘I love you baby’, ‘Miss you so much’ etc and every chat with kiss, love and hug emoticons without thinking if if i a bug don chop yours truly or somin.

I need to know how to go to muvee with my baby without trying to stifle a yawn or two after a hard day’s work and also look cheerful without a puffy eye or tiredness well spelt out on my face.

I need to know how to use words like , baby, sweet,honey, sweetheart,sugar,soda or cookies (lol) etc instead of calling him his full name with his surname togther. (all his 3 names comes to mind when i am fuming.)

I need so many other love tips

Who will help me?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Mumsy!

Suuuuupppppppppppppppp?

I’m ok and feeling cool with myself. This time of the month is my best moments because everybody for don finish their money (especially salary people) and so customers come into my office in trickles. I always pray and hope for these rare moment where banking halls can be turned to football pitch without any lele. (If my management hear or see this ‘peeren’, a new person don join job-seekers association be that …..Lol)

I don’t know how I remembered this gist but I think it was because my Mum called me this morning to say hi and pray her normal long prayers for me.( marriage, good family and children….lol!)

Mummy yours truly is a wonderful woman very nice and a mother every one can wish for and she is a cheerful giver despite been an Ijebu Woman. She gives her all. If we organize gigs in our house, my Mum will make sure every one eat and also pack the food for them as take away, both cooked and raw foods ooo but……… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mumsy buru baje (my mum is a disciplinarian.......Lol!) She should have been a MOPOL or rather maybe she was one in her first life. The fear of my Mum is the beginning of wisdom. While my Dad was very soft and gentle my Mum is very strict and firm.

I think my Mum has a black belt in taekwando (is the spelling correct?) and she did not let us know or somin. If you offend my Mum small, ahhhhhhhhhh! come and see action (Jet-li self no demo reach Mummy yours truly) she will throw what ever she is wearing on her feet, wedge, platform or cloggs and catch it mid air and the next thing is that you a hear “konnnnnn” sound (echo) on your head and you start seeing stars ******** . God will help you and you scream, series of punishment will follow immediately , stoop down ( don’t even know how to pronounce or spell it self either way it is not an easy punishment sha) , sitting in comfort ( your back against the wall, and your two hands stretched in front of you and your knees bent…. Crazy!) Or frog jump. My mum is creative when it comes to punishments.

I have plenty gist about her while growing up. Being the last born in the family gave me some rights and privileges but I was still not spared by my Mum. Can you imagine that all the house help we had while growing up never washed our (me and my egbons) plates as a matter of house rule? My Mum’s slogan is that she is not breeding lazy children. I used to wonder why we employ house helps that don’t do house chores (now i know why the least person spent 6 years with us… who no like better thing? Alikas). My Mum can communicate with you with her eyes all day without uttering a single word. Ahhhhhh, mummy yours truly is as good as that. If you go out and she doesn’t want you to eat she will roll her eyes up and down the message is sent and well decoded by her kids (No eating, no matter what ….lol!) If you feel your head is well positioned on your neck go and eat the food …. You will not forget the outcome in a hurry. When I remember my Mum and her commands, Captain Von Trapp (Sounds of Music) comes to mind.

I remember one particular incident; I think I didn’t feel like going to school that day as I had been throwing tantrums all morning and Mum shouted at me to get inside the car as she was ready to go . Yours truly now transferred the aggression to my immediate senior brother. I started complaining that I wanted to seat by the door (In a car with four doors ooo…..omo na mental case.lol) and my brother had actually sat there, sha a fight ensued (I no sabi fight at all) and I got a good trashing ,so I started screaming and crying in the car (yeepaaaaaaa, mistake of a life time!) My Mum did not utter a single word in all these oo. She just did as if the noise was not coming from her car.

After driving for like 15mins, she just packed and roared that we should both come down from her car ( just like that without lele!) We scrambled out like rabbits and she sped off, I mean zoomed off, I couldn’t believe it. My brother had some money on him and so he called the next available cab and went to school. I stood there thinking my Mum will turn back or reverse or somin but she never came back. By that time, I understood what been stranded is all about and I knew I was in deep sh*t with no money on me(I don't know how to save and my motto is always “today I see” especially on money matters.) I had only an option slap it to school or back home. I had to take the latter as my school was a rather long distance from my house ( no be small thing). I started the Journey of the Magi back home and all sort of ideas were going through my head but the most fearful and dreadful of them was; what will happen when I see my mum in the evening after school?( that alone sent Holy shivers down my spine….lol) Fast forward, got home did a play reconstruction for my Pop and he took me to school ( got to school that day around 10am) I expressed my fears about Mumsy to Dad and I think he spoke with her as she did not say a single word about the whole issue till today and on my part fear dey catch me to talk am self. The good side is that I have never again engaged in any physical fight since then because my brain no gree erase the info. I call it mumsy shock.

But my mumsy is getting old now and when her Grand children frolic round her I wonder how she can relax and play with them. I mean when you have a visitor in my house every other person must disappear except the person receiving the visitor. She says it is lack of courtesy to gist with your egbons friends. You know as a child, you can have crush or even likeness for your family friends but you dare not sit with them and laugh because if mumsy catches you, O.Y.O(on your own)

The worst you can do to my mum is when she now allows you to relax with her friend ( on special days o) and they are gisting and you feel you have an idea in your head to contribute, Mummy yours truly is online real time because as the idea is coming out of you mouth heavy knock is hitting your head or mouth or wherever is closer to her and other punishment resumes when both of you are alone.

I feel all these really contributed in shaping my life and has made me a well brought up lady with good manners and someone who understands sign language (lol….. we no get deaf and dumb for my family but we can all decode signs and signals). And I appreciate my mum for those constant, consistent and unrelenting efforts to make us cool kids. lol!

The funny part is that I am a replica of my mum in almost everyway but I dread the Captain Von Trapp part ..........lol!I pray I don’t take after her in that aspect.

But i no fit know that until I start having kids?

Hmmmmmmmm…….. Food for thought.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Scoin- Scoin,my own share.

Sorry I have been MIA for a while.

Na Malaria hook me completely. Naija and malaria, I’m beginning to think they are both inseparable, maybe naija’s surname na malaria self because it is really getting on the high side. (I will send my blog to Yar’Adua, as I don get the miracle tonic to prevent and cure it make the man make me minister for health or any other ministry I go still eradicate malaria and swallow money….. all join).

I don’t even know who to pay royalty to in using the scoin – scoin word, Please, contact me for the electronic funds transfer for using part of your words but Yours truly has her own share of scoin scoin for reallll.

There was this IM stuff (……..take a deep breath) I jammed one time like that, one user come hook up Yours truly. What actually happened was on that chat I had my real name and come put my papa name join when I signed up initially ( na only my phone no wey no dey no be foolishness be that?) and this joker chat me up sha and im picture and all come and see fine set boy and me I no dey take my big eyeballs see fine boy! he mentioned working with an oil producing firm in naija and as I wan show my logo too, I foolishly tell am I dey work for bank and gullibly mentioned my unit. After I finish chatting with the stupid boy I come forward im picture to my friend to show my new catch .

My friend come ask me where I see the picture of this popular basketball player in America and wanted to know how I take hook up celebrity online. Chei!!!!!!!! This loser don play fast one on me. Agabaya! Isiewu head, Olori Eja.I am sure the silly boy will be ROFL because of my naivety and foolishness, he don see mumu for Lagos. Oniranu.I thank God that my PC was recently replaced after the old one crashed so I never get time upload my pictures because I for don forward my beaurriiffulllll face to am. But the thing pain me ehhnnn no be small thing. Scoin-scoin part 1

Sha I made up my mind that na my friends alone go know my identity for all these IMs.Before I divert from the main scoin scoin so this bloke chatted me up and I told him I work in a cyber café and gave all kind of story to present a picture of a struggling ,desperate and upcoming chic. After chatting for two days ooo im come tell me make I come sleep in his house the following weekend. Just imagine! He said he will send me money to call him on a pay phone (as I don bobo am say thief don steal my phone) when I get to his area for direction.

Bloke: So I will be expecting you.

Yours Truly: no problem, since I have your no I will call you when I get to your area. But I hope you can wake me up in the night.

Bloke: Why do I need to wake you up?

Yours truly: I need to take my drugs on time or better still if your alarm is in good condition I can make use of it.

Bloke: Do you have malaria?

Yours truly: Nope

Bloke: So what is wrong with you?

Yours truly: Nothing out of the ordinary

Bloke: Tell me now .wassap?

Yours truly: it’s not what you think. Just need to take my retroviral that’s all

Bloke: Retro what?

Yours truly: Retroviral drug

Bloke: Is it not the drug people living with HIV use?

Yours truly: Something like that.

I was lmao at the other end. Sick boy! I should come and sleep in his house after 2 days of chatting online? The bloody boy doesn’t even know my surname and he is inviting me over. That was the last conversation I had with him. Anytime I buzz him he will appear offline fast. I am sure he will be thanking his stars for shielding him against getting HIV\AIDS not knowing I just wanted to display the crazy stuff I was made of. Scoin scoin part 2.

I am sure we all have an idea of how bankers dress up looking like a models out of GQ magazine ( even if na tokunbo suit dem where…..lol!). This day I had baffed up to my throat and was feeling hype with myself. I remembered being the middle of a funny conversation with my colleagues when all of a sudden I roared with laughter and the next thing I heard was a not too loud but audible pppppssssiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss. I was like what d f**k until I saw everyone staring at me then I realised yours truly had released poisonous bio-nuclear gas. Mennn! It was terrible. I knew my late father and God will never allow my enemies to rejoice over me o. The mess no smell plenty it was kinda ‘tush’ not an ‘ajepako’ type or I for don fast and pray for a transfer from my office. I quietly excused my self and went back to my seat (I was walking like chucky’s bride or rather baby alawo as shame don overwhelmed me).Scoin-scoin part 3.

Final scoin scoin for today was when I got a job in 2002, I had followed the crazy fashion of wearing million braids (which took me bloody 3 days to finish as my head big no be small) so when it was time to loose am (around Christmas ) no saloon gree help me when they saw what was on my head and my head size. Sha Yours truly come cut the hair completely and I started wearing Angelique Kidjo style. Fast forward small, I was getting tired of the low cut so I decided to start grooming my hair back. One weekend like that I didn’t have time to make the hair and I decided to carry afro to work. Mennnn! That was the mistake of a lifetime. Let me describe my hair texture to you so that you can imagine my scoin scoin level….. My hair is strong thick and hard direct opposite of soft and silky (and my heartbeat likes rubbing it……. I can imagine what is going through his head while doing that....lol!). Coarse is the word and strong like kan-kan onigi (wooden sponge).

When I sha got to work on Monday my oga ( one ponkious woman like that ) called me and yab me no be small and after much ado about something, she come send me home oooo. She say I no go fit face customer with the bird nest on my head. Mennnnnn! it was bad. But when I think about it I laugh it off and think I should have recorded the whole joke and send to Zone Reality TV maybe I can be featured in the funny programme ‘what were you thinking?’

Omo na mental case…… kolo mental for reallll!

Gotta go .Please I want to tattoo my body, where can I put it and what do I draw write on my body?

Love
Yours truly.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Mid-Life Crisis

hey wassup?
Sorry i've been away for a while . I have been awfully busy. se e binu si mi?
i feel very tired, little things irritates me and have this headache hitting me hard for over a week now. is it possible for me to be experiencing mid-life crisis when i am just 28? what is wrong with yours truly? (its definately not that disease wey dey your head) and i no get belle. well maybe my case na "half or one-third mid life crisis", na kolo (God forbid evil thing) or maybe na rest i need, unfortunately no vacation for moi till next year. big brother no go gree.

remembering the good old days when i still be "ayange", once we get party for my high school then , na yours truly dey always open floor. infact i could do "running man" dance step far better than Bobby Brown himself ( i swear!) before you say jack smith, as the spirit leads me , i don enter floor dey roll like winch wey wan manifest or "jog" as if maria mutola wan run for olympics . can u imagine that now i no fit shake my waist for party again? na only 'taka-sufe'(taps & whistle) and sing along i fit do now.
i miss you baby .143 darln

Thursday, August 16, 2007

These "boys" self

let me share a conversation i had online with a "boy". he had earlier invited yours truly out on a date & i have been posting him, Enjoy ;
boy: meanwhile, are u gonna be free this wknd?
yours truly: eya! nope, have a birthday party on sat & will see my bf (my heartbeat) on sun.
boy: lol , wot is that ? u can see him on sunday & still hook up with me i m sure he knws u have friends.besides a bf may not be the end of it(see im mouth, bf is definately the end of everything now)
yours truly: u know i will go to church & get back a bit late .so i will not be free to see u
boy: stop this bf drama make it for 3pm $ leave at 5pm (craze material,commanding me on top asking me for a date. what is this world turning too self?)
yours truly: sorry it is not this weekend (getting angry...... what's up with this boy?na by force i go chop lunch .these boys self , dem don tire me! )

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

joblessness

you know d way getting a new pair of shoe will make you want to wear am before you sleep? (yours truly actually wear her new shoes to sleep incase armed robbers go come thief am b4 morning.....laughs!!!!) na so this blog thing dey do me. did i hear u say local chic? indeed u are very correct.

there is this story i heard today about "he goat ,ewure or ewu soup" that i can't help but to share with you. if i want to cook goat meat soup is it not for me to buy the goat meat and put am inside stew( i sabi cook well well o) but this family go wash he-goat face inside water and use the water to cook the soup. dem talk say that kind soup is more tasty than cooking with goat meat (see me see wahala )

You don chop that kind goat soup before?

blog later guys, big brother is watching.( tell u more about big brother soon.)

local chic

i wonder what i am doing in lagos when i am as local as this. I tried to post something now and it went to my draft(i did not ask the system to save it ooo i swear) how i go get am back. help yours truly(aka local chic)

moi

hello all ,
i am rather new to blogging and it's realy cool .lets just say i am ME and u can call me Elcee. Yours truly is an "exin-trovert"(i am sure nobody can understand that engrish lol!!..... combines both introvert and extrovert together). as we get along better you will get to know me.