Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Help a Sister

hmmmmmm i need help oooo

Serious one infact this post is with high priority!

I need lectures on how to be more romantic. (Did I hear u laugh?) This is not a joke ooo. It’s a matter of life and death.

I think I am too stiff; I don't relax and don't bloody know how to have fun.

I need to know how to organize a romantic dinner for two under the candle light (without fear of hot wax dripping on my head and making me bald.) You know all those dinner stuff with candles everywhere as if person wan do breakthrough prayers for cele church?

I need to know how to stroll on the beach with my boo without the fear of Atlantic Ocean sweeping me away (I can't even float not to talk of swim). I need to know how to be in a boat ride without squeezing my face in terror because of all evil thots of drowning going thru my head and whispering the psalm 91.

I need to know how to seat on an astro wheel and clinging to my boo instead of holding on to the railings (as if my life depends on it) with a high pitch scream filled with fear.

I need to know how to sing love song and dance all night like they do in Indian films (remember Dharmendra ) or my Igbo brothers in Home muvee.

I need to know if i should send flowers or chocolate (abi na cigar?) to him? i am a big joker right? laughs!

I need to know how to look into my boo’s eyes all day whispering sweet nothing without blinking or thinking in my heart what the f**k am I doing here, checking my wrist watch to confirm how many minutes we’ve spent idle or wondering if my baby will think I am doing drugs as my eye color signifies that.

I need to know how to organize surprise dinner (breakfast and lunch is out of the question except i wan loose my job!) for my baby without checking my account balance or using my mental calculator to have an idea of how much I am left with by EOM (End of Month).

I need to know how to order gifts for my baby on a normal day even when it is not Christmas, his birthday, our anniversary or Easter.( i am a mixed breed and ijebu blood seem the most prominent.....haha haha)

I need to know how to end every telephone conversation with ‘I love you baby’, ‘Miss you so much’ etc and every chat with kiss, love and hug emoticons without thinking if if i a bug don chop yours truly or somin.

I need to know how to go to muvee with my baby without trying to stifle a yawn or two after a hard day’s work and also look cheerful without a puffy eye or tiredness well spelt out on my face.

I need to know how to use words like , baby, sweet,honey, sweetheart,sugar,soda or cookies (lol) etc instead of calling him his full name with his surname togther. (all his 3 names comes to mind when i am fuming.)

I need so many other love tips

Who will help me?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007



I’m ok and feeling cool with myself. This time of the month is my best moments because everybody for don finish their money (especially salary people) and so customers come into my office in trickles. I always pray and hope for these rare moment where banking halls can be turned to football pitch without any lele. (If my management hear or see this ‘peeren’, a new person don join job-seekers association be that …..Lol)

I don’t know how I remembered this gist but I think it was because my Mum called me this morning to say hi and pray her normal long prayers for me.( marriage, good family and children….lol!)

Mummy yours truly is a wonderful woman very nice and a mother every one can wish for and she is a cheerful giver despite been an Ijebu Woman. She gives her all. If we organize gigs in our house, my Mum will make sure every one eat and also pack the food for them as take away, both cooked and raw foods ooo but……… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Mumsy buru baje (my mum is a disciplinarian.......Lol!) She should have been a MOPOL or rather maybe she was one in her first life. The fear of my Mum is the beginning of wisdom. While my Dad was very soft and gentle my Mum is very strict and firm.

I think my Mum has a black belt in taekwando (is the spelling correct?) and she did not let us know or somin. If you offend my Mum small, ahhhhhhhhhh! come and see action (Jet-li self no demo reach Mummy yours truly) she will throw what ever she is wearing on her feet, wedge, platform or cloggs and catch it mid air and the next thing is that you a hear “konnnnnn” sound (echo) on your head and you start seeing stars ******** . God will help you and you scream, series of punishment will follow immediately , stoop down ( don’t even know how to pronounce or spell it self either way it is not an easy punishment sha) , sitting in comfort ( your back against the wall, and your two hands stretched in front of you and your knees bent…. Crazy!) Or frog jump. My mum is creative when it comes to punishments.

I have plenty gist about her while growing up. Being the last born in the family gave me some rights and privileges but I was still not spared by my Mum. Can you imagine that all the house help we had while growing up never washed our (me and my egbons) plates as a matter of house rule? My Mum’s slogan is that she is not breeding lazy children. I used to wonder why we employ house helps that don’t do house chores (now i know why the least person spent 6 years with us… who no like better thing? Alikas). My Mum can communicate with you with her eyes all day without uttering a single word. Ahhhhhh, mummy yours truly is as good as that. If you go out and she doesn’t want you to eat she will roll her eyes up and down the message is sent and well decoded by her kids (No eating, no matter what ….lol!) If you feel your head is well positioned on your neck go and eat the food …. You will not forget the outcome in a hurry. When I remember my Mum and her commands, Captain Von Trapp (Sounds of Music) comes to mind.

I remember one particular incident; I think I didn’t feel like going to school that day as I had been throwing tantrums all morning and Mum shouted at me to get inside the car as she was ready to go . Yours truly now transferred the aggression to my immediate senior brother. I started complaining that I wanted to seat by the door (In a car with four doors ooo…..omo na mental and my brother had actually sat there, sha a fight ensued (I no sabi fight at all) and I got a good trashing ,so I started screaming and crying in the car (yeepaaaaaaa, mistake of a life time!) My Mum did not utter a single word in all these oo. She just did as if the noise was not coming from her car.

After driving for like 15mins, she just packed and roared that we should both come down from her car ( just like that without lele!) We scrambled out like rabbits and she sped off, I mean zoomed off, I couldn’t believe it. My brother had some money on him and so he called the next available cab and went to school. I stood there thinking my Mum will turn back or reverse or somin but she never came back. By that time, I understood what been stranded is all about and I knew I was in deep sh*t with no money on me(I don't know how to save and my motto is always “today I see” especially on money matters.) I had only an option slap it to school or back home. I had to take the latter as my school was a rather long distance from my house ( no be small thing). I started the Journey of the Magi back home and all sort of ideas were going through my head but the most fearful and dreadful of them was; what will happen when I see my mum in the evening after school?( that alone sent Holy shivers down my spine….lol) Fast forward, got home did a play reconstruction for my Pop and he took me to school ( got to school that day around 10am) I expressed my fears about Mumsy to Dad and I think he spoke with her as she did not say a single word about the whole issue till today and on my part fear dey catch me to talk am self. The good side is that I have never again engaged in any physical fight since then because my brain no gree erase the info. I call it mumsy shock.

But my mumsy is getting old now and when her Grand children frolic round her I wonder how she can relax and play with them. I mean when you have a visitor in my house every other person must disappear except the person receiving the visitor. She says it is lack of courtesy to gist with your egbons friends. You know as a child, you can have crush or even likeness for your family friends but you dare not sit with them and laugh because if mumsy catches you, O.Y.O(on your own)

The worst you can do to my mum is when she now allows you to relax with her friend ( on special days o) and they are gisting and you feel you have an idea in your head to contribute, Mummy yours truly is online real time because as the idea is coming out of you mouth heavy knock is hitting your head or mouth or wherever is closer to her and other punishment resumes when both of you are alone.

I feel all these really contributed in shaping my life and has made me a well brought up lady with good manners and someone who understands sign language (lol….. we no get deaf and dumb for my family but we can all decode signs and signals). And I appreciate my mum for those constant, consistent and unrelenting efforts to make us cool kids. lol!

The funny part is that I am a replica of my mum in almost everyway but I dread the Captain Von Trapp part!I pray I don’t take after her in that aspect.

But i no fit know that until I start having kids?

Hmmmmmmmm…….. Food for thought.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Scoin- Scoin,my own share.

Sorry I have been MIA for a while.

Na Malaria hook me completely. Naija and malaria, I’m beginning to think they are both inseparable, maybe naija’s surname na malaria self because it is really getting on the high side. (I will send my blog to Yar’Adua, as I don get the miracle tonic to prevent and cure it make the man make me minister for health or any other ministry I go still eradicate malaria and swallow money….. all join).

I don’t even know who to pay royalty to in using the scoin – scoin word, Please, contact me for the electronic funds transfer for using part of your words but Yours truly has her own share of scoin scoin for reallll.

There was this IM stuff (……..take a deep breath) I jammed one time like that, one user come hook up Yours truly. What actually happened was on that chat I had my real name and come put my papa name join when I signed up initially ( na only my phone no wey no dey no be foolishness be that?) and this joker chat me up sha and im picture and all come and see fine set boy and me I no dey take my big eyeballs see fine boy! he mentioned working with an oil producing firm in naija and as I wan show my logo too, I foolishly tell am I dey work for bank and gullibly mentioned my unit. After I finish chatting with the stupid boy I come forward im picture to my friend to show my new catch .

My friend come ask me where I see the picture of this popular basketball player in America and wanted to know how I take hook up celebrity online. Chei!!!!!!!! This loser don play fast one on me. Agabaya! Isiewu head, Olori Eja.I am sure the silly boy will be ROFL because of my naivety and foolishness, he don see mumu for Lagos. Oniranu.I thank God that my PC was recently replaced after the old one crashed so I never get time upload my pictures because I for don forward my beaurriiffulllll face to am. But the thing pain me ehhnnn no be small thing. Scoin-scoin part 1

Sha I made up my mind that na my friends alone go know my identity for all these IMs.Before I divert from the main scoin scoin so this bloke chatted me up and I told him I work in a cyber café and gave all kind of story to present a picture of a struggling ,desperate and upcoming chic. After chatting for two days ooo im come tell me make I come sleep in his house the following weekend. Just imagine! He said he will send me money to call him on a pay phone (as I don bobo am say thief don steal my phone) when I get to his area for direction.

Bloke: So I will be expecting you.

Yours Truly: no problem, since I have your no I will call you when I get to your area. But I hope you can wake me up in the night.

Bloke: Why do I need to wake you up?

Yours truly: I need to take my drugs on time or better still if your alarm is in good condition I can make use of it.

Bloke: Do you have malaria?

Yours truly: Nope

Bloke: So what is wrong with you?

Yours truly: Nothing out of the ordinary

Bloke: Tell me now .wassap?

Yours truly: it’s not what you think. Just need to take my retroviral that’s all

Bloke: Retro what?

Yours truly: Retroviral drug

Bloke: Is it not the drug people living with HIV use?

Yours truly: Something like that.

I was lmao at the other end. Sick boy! I should come and sleep in his house after 2 days of chatting online? The bloody boy doesn’t even know my surname and he is inviting me over. That was the last conversation I had with him. Anytime I buzz him he will appear offline fast. I am sure he will be thanking his stars for shielding him against getting HIV\AIDS not knowing I just wanted to display the crazy stuff I was made of. Scoin scoin part 2.

I am sure we all have an idea of how bankers dress up looking like a models out of GQ magazine ( even if na tokunbo suit dem where…!). This day I had baffed up to my throat and was feeling hype with myself. I remembered being the middle of a funny conversation with my colleagues when all of a sudden I roared with laughter and the next thing I heard was a not too loud but audible pppppssssiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss. I was like what d f**k until I saw everyone staring at me then I realised yours truly had released poisonous bio-nuclear gas. Mennn! It was terrible. I knew my late father and God will never allow my enemies to rejoice over me o. The mess no smell plenty it was kinda ‘tush’ not an ‘ajepako’ type or I for don fast and pray for a transfer from my office. I quietly excused my self and went back to my seat (I was walking like chucky’s bride or rather baby alawo as shame don overwhelmed me).Scoin-scoin part 3.

Final scoin scoin for today was when I got a job in 2002, I had followed the crazy fashion of wearing million braids (which took me bloody 3 days to finish as my head big no be small) so when it was time to loose am (around Christmas ) no saloon gree help me when they saw what was on my head and my head size. Sha Yours truly come cut the hair completely and I started wearing Angelique Kidjo style. Fast forward small, I was getting tired of the low cut so I decided to start grooming my hair back. One weekend like that I didn’t have time to make the hair and I decided to carry afro to work. Mennnn! That was the mistake of a lifetime. Let me describe my hair texture to you so that you can imagine my scoin scoin level….. My hair is strong thick and hard direct opposite of soft and silky (and my heartbeat likes rubbing it……. I can imagine what is going through his head while doing!). Coarse is the word and strong like kan-kan onigi (wooden sponge).

When I sha got to work on Monday my oga ( one ponkious woman like that ) called me and yab me no be small and after much ado about something, she come send me home oooo. She say I no go fit face customer with the bird nest on my head. Mennnnnn! it was bad. But when I think about it I laugh it off and think I should have recorded the whole joke and send to Zone Reality TV maybe I can be featured in the funny programme ‘what were you thinking?’

Omo na mental case…… kolo mental for reallll!

Gotta go .Please I want to tattoo my body, where can I put it and what do I draw write on my body?

Yours truly.